yeah, im in shit.

well first of all, friday was community service. it was ok i guess.. i got really wet because of rain. it was a half day, so when i came back to school, my dad suprisingly trusted me more than ever and let me go home with crawford until 10! i had to convince him though... i had a little talk about how i need a little more freedom... hm.

so yeah we went to houstons after school with his mom, i had a good ass burger. and theeeeennn.... we went to crawford's mom's house and we took a shower and watched kill bill after that. i was so happy! after that crawford called his friends to come over, and i had a lot of money so we decided to go and get some weed. so we did, and came home, and poor crawford cant smoke so we went in the bathroom and crawford stayed in his room. it was cool, first time ive ever used a bong and a gravity bong. so yeah i got stonnneeed... and i was kinda feeling weird at first, i kept twitching and i couldnt focus on anything.. my thoughts were going crawzy. but then me and crawford started to make out and then i started feeling really good. REALLY good.. best physical time ive ever had with him.. and at that point.. i really thought i loved him.. really... but i wasnt sure if it was real or the drugs.. so i didnt say it. i wanted to though. i told him that i felt like i was on ecstasy i was so happy. god it was great. i was so happy my dad let me do it. oh and right before i left, we found some pieces of weed that they had dropped in the sink, still green.. it was like half a bowl so crawford gave it to me to smoke later. (dun dun dun)

then i got home, my dad told me i smelled like smoke, but it was ok because at that point he had already figured out that crawford smokes cigarettes.. so i just told him that it was because he was smoking. and everything was cool. i took my new nighttime medicine(newly perscribed for insomnia, called trazodone) and went to bed.

the next day we went to see killbill 2 in theaters. it was alright.. best part was the arm rests went up.

then that horrible day came. sunday.. i told my dad i wanted to go to church. with crawford, my old church's youth group at six. but i was damn tired.. the trazodone made me like that.. so i like slept most of the day. on and off.. the last time i woke up, it was six, and my parents were gone. i was pissed because i couldnt go to church now. so i called crawford and we talked a little while, and then i decided i would go smoke my half a bowl of weed. i asked crawford what i should use and he said either an apple or a coke can. because i dont have any sort of drug parefinalia in my house. so i poked the holes in the apple, got the weed and matches and went on the back porch and smoked. the apple made it taste cool.

...then... it happens. (*CLIMAX of the story!!!*) turns out.. my parents didnt leave to go somewhere. i thought they took the car to go see a movie or some shit. i didnt really think much into it, but i thought if they came home i would hear the garage door. but... they had taken my dog for a walk, came in the front door and my dad came in the back yard to let my dog go to the bathroom. as soon as i saw him i froze, and without thinking threw the LIT match behind my back (i was sitting in a chair) and started eating the apple and covered the hole where i put the weed up with my finger. he came and sat in the chair and asked me what i was doing.. and because i could say anything he took the match out from behind me and put out the fire on MY SHIRT. i barely even noticed. so i said.. 'uh.. i felt like burning matches.... and eating an apple out here..' haha. and he had this 'oh great' smile on his face. it looked like he knew somthing. i just kinda.. played it off and said i was gonna go inside now. and he followed, and said that it smelled like marijuana when he came out. and i couldnt lie anymore. he knew. so i fessed up, told him that it was from school, and i had done it before, and everybody that did it before at schol is in rehab.. and for some reason i didnt lie about crawford... i told him he's done it before and is in rehab. but i didnt tell him ive done it WITH him. so atleast he knows that he in particular is influencing me to do it.. but thats a lie.

then he tells me he has to take me out of DA, and i cant see crawford, and im grounded from everything until summer is over. i was crying so fucking hard. damn. i called crawford, bawling and told him. he was really upset too. that night i realized how much i really do love him, and it was the first night i told him that i did. it felt good for a little bit... but i kept crying.. i mean.. going without him.. all summer. i was CRUSHED. daaamn i was depressed that night.

but after a couple days, they talked to my doctor and they calmed down a little. the reason why im allowed on the computer right now is because my mom let me on cause i got an achievement award at school for art. but yeah.. i guess i deserve this. its not gonna quite as bad though. i just gotta built up my trust back.. and they'll start letting me have people over HERE after a while.. but my house is very boring anyway. and they're making me go to church camp, and a mission trip, and get a job this summer. and i have to do chores to pay back the money for my prom dress... i cant go to prom anymore....

so yeah. i life went to best its ever been to worst ever in 24 hours flat. it sucks. zippity doo dah to ...shit

well i wont me updating much anymore.. but this is a long one so it'll last longer.

Last Five
miracles do happen - 2005-03-02
valentines day, colorado - 2005-02-22
superbowl, bad week - 2005-02-10
relapsed - 2005-01-25
started counselling - 2005-01-18